From Chaos to Clarity

I’ve come to realize that I need to distance myself from certain individuals—because their pessimism has been rubbing off on me. And I don’t like what it’s doing to my spirit.

When you spend enough time around someone, you start to adopt parts of who they are. And someone I’ve known my entire life is stuck in the past—glorifying the wrong things. I can’t surround myself with people who don’t want to grow. Who don’t want to better themselves. Who are still glorifying the streets, the dirt, the pain we caused.

I look back on the past—with Chris, with Chuck—and I wish I could go back in time and knock some sense into myself. That ignorance we flaunted was pathetic. It splintered lifelong friendships. It cracked our neighborhood wide open. And for what?

I don’t live in regret—but I am ashamed of who I used to be.

My mother told me. She told me it was cool to work a 9-to-5. That it was powerful to be able to sleep in peace, not with a gun under your pillow.

I used to laugh at the man coming home tired from a long day's work. Now? I admire him.

That’s the man I want to be. That “plain, boring” man who lives with integrity. Because I’m chaos crammed into a certifiable giggle—but I’m finally at peace with myself. And I want to stay that way.

It’s not cool to be a wannabe gangster.

It’s not cool to make people fear you.

It’s not cool to live for attention.

The truth is... I’m a quiet, shy, big-hearted person who will help anybody. And for years, I was scared people wouldn’t like that version of me. Well, now? If you don’t like who I really am?

FUCK YOU.

I was an idiot. A moron. But I’m not that person anymore. And I never will be again.

I’m thankful for the lessons I’ve been through—but I’m not glorifying my past. I’m not reminiscing about it. I’m not proud of it. I’m focused on today. On tomorrow. On being better.

Negative people? Stay away from me. If you don’t want to grow, evolve, heal—get out of my orbit.

I’ve been through hell.

And I’m not going back.

I wake up happy now. And I’m going to keep it that way. Nothing and no one will stand in the way of my peace.

The Year I Wasn't Supposed to Be In

Last night, I time-traveled in my sleep. Not through wires or wormholes — but through memory and mourning. I was in the year 2001.

And I knew I didn’t belong there.

Some part of me was wide awake in the dream. I carried the full weight of 2025 in my chest — every scar, every overdose, every bad choice, every woman I shouldn’t have loved, every moment I tried to die but somehow didn’t. I knew my mom and pop were gone. But in this dream, they were alive — and they knew. They weren’t surprised. They weren’t afraid. They just looked at me like love never left.

Then I was back in my old room on Somerset.

Not just a copy — the real thing. Walls covered in posters I forgot I ever owned. Drawers filled with long-lost hats, old jewelry, the 1,000+ DVDs I used to collect like treasure. Pants. Shorts. Games. Pieces of myself. Like the universe had held onto it all for me, waiting for me to remember who I was before the world broke me.

I tried to explain to my mom: “I’m not from this time. I’m from the future. I fucked up everything. I wasted so much. I lost myself trying to be something I wasn’t. A gangster. A tough guy. A man on fire, burning his own house down.”

And she just smiled — calm, warm, like she already knew. “You’ve come a long way,” she said.

And I begged her: “I want to stay. I want to do it over. I’ll get it right this time.” She touched my face, eyes full of something I can only call eternal. And she said, “One day.”

Then I woke up. Not in 2001. Not in that old room. Back here. Back in now. But with something new — or maybe something old — stirring in my bones.

Maybe it wasn’t just a dream. Maybe it was a reminder. That I’m still alive. That it’s not too late to make peace with my past. That some things — some people — never really leave us. And maybe I don’t need to go back to make it right. Maybe I just need to keep going forward — eyes open, heart intact. Because one day... might still be waiting.

🖤 Blackheart DMD 🖤

Hulk Hogan

OZZY

Just Me

Funny thing about perspective...People always say, “Damn, you’re a big dude.” And I just kinda shrug it off. Not out of pride. Not out of denial.

Just... I forget.

I’ve walked in this frame my whole life, 6'3", 300 pounds but to me, it’s not big, it’s just me. It doesn’t echo when I enter a room. It doesn’t cast a shadow in my own head. It just is.

You don’t notice the mountain when you are the mountain. You just wake up on the summit and call it Tuesday. But others? They see the climb. They see the height, the weight, the presence. They flinch before they know you’re gentle. They size you up before they know you don’t throw it around.

Maybe it’s a gift to be built like a fortress, but walk like a poet. To be capable of destruction, and still choose grace.

Some of us are giants on the outside but still feel small when we look inward. And maybe that’s the lesson. Not every heavy thing has to be loud. Not every big man has to act like it. And not every presence that looms is meant to threaten.

Sometimes? It just means I’m here. DMD.