Friday, December 26, 2014
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Monday, December 22, 2014
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
Monday, August 11, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
Friday, July 25, 2014
A Vent
It's been a while since I posted some thoughts to this blog. With work really dont get a chance to post anything towards it and school in a month still I need to vent.
My vent............
I been #rockbottom living for awhile and it is for the birds! I been keeping a positive outlook on things considering where I was 8 months ago but this living pay check to pay check and having like 20 bucks after everything is bullshit.
I been angry a lot recently. My anger is lethal. I remember making 5 g's a week, now granted I was doing things that just weren't right and sometimes hear certain situations still and though I will NEVER revert back to that simply because I have come to far to fuck it up its still bullshit and at times I know I still have that side in me to do horrible.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Friday, May 09, 2014
Thursday, May 08, 2014
Wednesday, May 07, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
Wednesday, April 09, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
What is.....
As cold hearted as it is with what I am about to say, you'll never really know my feelings and perspective on the situation but it is a sad reality when you come to the ultimate conclusion and realization that your father is better off to you dead.
He don't care about me ultimately and its a hard thing to swallow but it is about acceptance and reality. Reality is my judgement was clouded by the demon of addiction that I called cocaine but I have had clarity for 117 days and truth is what I feel above.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Friday, March 07, 2014
What They Think
Everybody around me always think they know what's going on inside my mind, thinking I'm Mr. Nice Guy all the time remember what they use to say on MTV Diary? "You think you know, but you have no idea"!
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
Change
98 days sober & in this rehab. Self Help Movement. First time rehab, last time rehab. It was the best thing I ever done. All I got to say is doing step work works.
When I came in anger and hatred ruled my life and I wanted to roll and I loved the chaos but need to change because I became a slave to cocaine and hate & when I truly gave in I learned more about myself in these 3 little short months then I have in my 31 years of life.
Life is an interesting turn of ups and downs and I am enjoying it. The big book and the bible are both a blueprint to living correct & if if I can change trust anyone can.
Behold A Pale Horse
This book will change your outlook on many fronts. Best chapter in this master piece is Silent Weapons for Quiet Wars.
Monday, March 03, 2014
Assessment
* Self-Confidence *
As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.
As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.
The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.
Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.
* Family Orientation *
As someone who is oriented to familial matters, you value the company of family-members and domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent. If you don’t have children, you very much desire having children in the future. And your preference for cooking and entertaining guests at home will likely ease the transition into parenthood.
As someone who is oriented to familial matters, you value the company of family-members and domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent. If you don’t have children, you very much desire having children in the future. And your preference for cooking and entertaining guests at home will likely ease the transition into parenthood.
You take pride in maintaining and cultivating a healthy family and work hard to achieve this. This natural tendency is easily illustrated by your preference for doing things around the house as opposed to going out to clubs and restaurants.
What really sets you apart from people that are low in family orientation is that you know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you are well-equipped to manage a family without letting all the work that is involved wear you down. However, as someone with strong family values, all the work that is involved in maintaining a tidy home and well-stocked kitchen might occasionally make it difficult for you to finish everything that you need to do.
* Self-Control *
The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.
The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.
As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level.
Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.
* Openness *
As someone moderate in openness, you have an appreciation for art and nature, but are also down to earth and realistic. On the one hand, it’s likely that you are fond of music and art, and on the other hand, enjoy and appreciate things that have a clear point and some sort of practical utility. Additionally, you have a certain degree of awareness of your own emotions; that is, you tend to notice when you’re feeling a particular way and take those feelings into account when making decisions.
As someone moderate in openness, you have an appreciation for art and nature, but are also down to earth and realistic. On the one hand, it’s likely that you are fond of music and art, and on the other hand, enjoy and appreciate things that have a clear point and some sort of practical utility. Additionally, you have a certain degree of awareness of your own emotions; that is, you tend to notice when you’re feeling a particular way and take those feelings into account when making decisions.
You tend to think in both abstract ways—in terms of metaphors—and logically. Therefore, in your work and free time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing, but are also able to keep your mind on the primary objective of the task at hand.
Your tendency to be both open-minded, yet realistic is generally quite advantageous. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easy for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. However, because you are also realistic-minded, you are able follow-rules quite easily. This combination makes it easy for you to excel in your work because you are able to “think outside the box” while still being able to keep your eyes on “the big picture.”
* Easygoingness *
Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.
Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.
High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.
* Personalities Affect On Love Life *
With your strong degree of self-confidence, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner.
With your strong degree of self-confidence, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner.
Given how much you value family life, you probably get along best with people who share your values and beliefs. In fact, it’s likely that you maintain close connections with members of your immediate and distant family. For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with someone who also values domestic life. Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who also enjoys spending time at home and desires starting a family.
As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you’re probably attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling. For this reason, you may ultimately be most satisfied in a relationship with someone that is shares your level of self-control.
Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, you may become frustrated with people that are too unconventional or traditional. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share both your open-mindedness and realistic nature.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
DMD RETURNS!!
Been a bit, again since I updated this so thought I drop some love on my blog.
2013 was a shitty year for me and it culminated with me becoming homeless, truckless, and all my things going up in smoke, literally. That and I came close to a nervous breakdown and my life became unmanageable and I desperately need it to be restored to some type of sanity because living like a c...aveman and at rock bottom was enough!
Luckily I ended up getting a moment of clarity through the chaos I was living in and I felt it was necessary to put myself away for help and so I did on 11/ 21 /13 and it has been the best decision I've made, so far. I gave up to win.
Being away, as I said, was the best thing I have done. I learned more about myself in a short period of time that I had in my 31 years. Such as dealing with my resentments that I allowed to dictate the direction of my life, leaving myself down the path of self destruction.
My pops: I resented my pops for never being a father to me, he always wanted and was a friend to me. I resented him for not being strong minded and strong willed (like my mom)and not having the balls to go after Debbie who ruined his life. I resented him for not being what I wanted him to be and there lies the problem! I wanted him to do what I would have done in his situation and crush Debbie but reality is I have no control over anyone's actions but my own. A lesson that took me thirty one years to learn.
Debbie: I resented Debbie because I blamed her for the death of my mom. And though the BS that did happen to my pops helped in my mom's passing reality is it just was her time to depart. The other resentment obviously was what she did to my dad.
The BAD that my pop went through and continues to go through still, is his problem not mine and it never was. I bore his burden for eight and a half years, allowing it, to no one's fault but of my own, to consume me. Thing is that burden I bore was never mine to bear. Debbie one day has to atone for what she did, not I!I am free of it. I truly wish both long life and happiness but I will never let either one of them or any mortal individual for that matter to ever drag me down again.
I love my pop but as I said he is his own man with his own problems and he has to deal with them if he chooses to. As for Debbie, though I will never allow her in my life again, I wish her the very best. She is my blood and I can't change that, I don't like her but I don't dislike her and I truly do and deeply wish her well.
As for DMD, I will continue to grow as a man. I am NOT a grown man simply because a grown man can no longer be taught and is closed minded. I am striving for betterment in myself everyday. I am disconnecting from negative and unmotivated people. I need not to impress or kiss the asses of anyone in order to be liked or for the friendship! If you don't like me then turn your head and don't mention me simply because you have already been forgotten by me and don't matter enough for me to speak about. DMD is looking for love and not just a quick bust like I have always done and for that I am sorry. Lastly I will keep close to my heart the Lord of my understanding and continue to do His will and not mine.
Today I am grateful to the Lord for giving me another day and I'm humble for the lessons I've learned, am learning, and will learn. Today is beautiful.
SEMPRI AMORE
2013 was a shitty year for me and it culminated with me becoming homeless, truckless, and all my things going up in smoke, literally. That and I came close to a nervous breakdown and my life became unmanageable and I desperately need it to be restored to some type of sanity because living like a c...aveman and at rock bottom was enough!
Luckily I ended up getting a moment of clarity through the chaos I was living in and I felt it was necessary to put myself away for help and so I did on 11/ 21 /13 and it has been the best decision I've made, so far. I gave up to win.
Being away, as I said, was the best thing I have done. I learned more about myself in a short period of time that I had in my 31 years. Such as dealing with my resentments that I allowed to dictate the direction of my life, leaving myself down the path of self destruction.
My pops: I resented my pops for never being a father to me, he always wanted and was a friend to me. I resented him for not being strong minded and strong willed (like my mom)and not having the balls to go after Debbie who ruined his life. I resented him for not being what I wanted him to be and there lies the problem! I wanted him to do what I would have done in his situation and crush Debbie but reality is I have no control over anyone's actions but my own. A lesson that took me thirty one years to learn.
Debbie: I resented Debbie because I blamed her for the death of my mom. And though the BS that did happen to my pops helped in my mom's passing reality is it just was her time to depart. The other resentment obviously was what she did to my dad.
The BAD that my pop went through and continues to go through still, is his problem not mine and it never was. I bore his burden for eight and a half years, allowing it, to no one's fault but of my own, to consume me. Thing is that burden I bore was never mine to bear. Debbie one day has to atone for what she did, not I!I am free of it. I truly wish both long life and happiness but I will never let either one of them or any mortal individual for that matter to ever drag me down again.
I love my pop but as I said he is his own man with his own problems and he has to deal with them if he chooses to. As for Debbie, though I will never allow her in my life again, I wish her the very best. She is my blood and I can't change that, I don't like her but I don't dislike her and I truly do and deeply wish her well.
As for DMD, I will continue to grow as a man. I am NOT a grown man simply because a grown man can no longer be taught and is closed minded. I am striving for betterment in myself everyday. I am disconnecting from negative and unmotivated people. I need not to impress or kiss the asses of anyone in order to be liked or for the friendship! If you don't like me then turn your head and don't mention me simply because you have already been forgotten by me and don't matter enough for me to speak about. DMD is looking for love and not just a quick bust like I have always done and for that I am sorry. Lastly I will keep close to my heart the Lord of my understanding and continue to do His will and not mine.
Today I am grateful to the Lord for giving me another day and I'm humble for the lessons I've learned, am learning, and will learn. Today is beautiful.
SEMPRI AMORE
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