Thoughts about my BDAY.

With my birthday 4 days away I can't turn off my thinking. My mind is racing on a number of things such as first and foremost the most important thing to me which is my mom, also about life, the choices I have made and the direction (or lack thereof) that I am headed.

This is a big number to be turning in a person life no matter how you look at it. I don't remember turning 18 cept for the fact that it was the year 2000 and that I was stabbed in the face. 21 was a what-the-f*ck ever birthday and really went by with nothing big which kind of has been the theme lately when it comes to my birthday.

It is true that you really never do appreciate the small things that occur in your life until they are gone. Right now a Stocks cake would have already been ordered and my mom would be screwing with me about turning 30. How I deeply miss her. It would maybe be a bit easier if my pops was out, he should NEVER be where he is currently at in the first place, should have DONE been vindicated but that is an old but will never get old rant for another time.

I guess what this all means is that I am at a crossroad in my life on where I am at, which is a place I don't want to be but have no choice due to a promise made and of all my faults and vices the one thing that I am is a man of my word. Thinking of the places I've been and the hurt that I have caused and the opportunities that I gave up on or just ignored, what little I have accomplished up until this point and I know people say 30 is my generations real peak but 30 for me really has me more f*cked up then I ever thought. I use to f*ck with my sister Donna about it when she cried about turning 30, I was 24 at the time but I kind of get it now.

I just feel like staying in bed. I don't want to be bothered by anyone saying "oh it'll be alright", I don't really care for other peoples opinions are when they say 30 isn't a big deal, it might not be or have been a big deal to you but it is to me and that is all that matters. I don't know I am just stuck, bit down and in a circle of thought.