5 AM Thoughts

5 AM I can't sleep and on top of the heap of problems I have and the downward spiral I been on for the past two years and pretty much hitting rock bottom and becoming a schizophrenic house hermit comes more heartache, pain, and thoughts creeping in my mind that I just don’t need.

This Thursday the 27th is my mom and pops 44th anniversary, the following day Friday the 28th is my pops 64th birthday and I can’t celebrate it with him, again for the fourth time in six years because he is incarcerated, again, for BULLSHIT!! Two days after that Sunday the 30th should have been my mom’s 63rd birthday which is the second birthday of hers that she cannot celebrate because she unfortunately passed away while other people who deserve to die are still alive. No one in general just saying and I am bitter about it always will be because I was and still am and always will be a momma’s boy, proudly admitted. Then of course in a few months you have my mom’s favorite holiday coming up, Christmas which will again be the second year without her and then the following week the day she died December 31st New Years Eve, which is a day that I will never look at the same again.

Way to much bullshit for one person to handle. I know other people got it worse then me but WTF I been through it and around. I don’t need fake sympathy or empty empathy from "friends" or "family" I just want to move on with my life and try and better myself and I strive to do so but I take a step forward I get knocked back 50. Yeah I'm just venting my heart, better at writing what I feel then saying it aloud, just hard times for DMD and shit don't quit.