Thoughts 💭

I think about my past a LOT and the things I’ve done. I know I have to get over it and move on cause the past is the past and I CANNOT change it. The hundreds of women I used just for sex and hurt, the now 20yo daughter I have that I don’t know because I did not want to be a father. The extreme violence I committed thinking I was a gangster when I was anything BUT. My past keeps haunting me in my dreams and that I feel I cannot escape. Took 38 years but I FINALLY developed a conscious.

And then the drugs. I always did coke which was a weekend thing, drinking never been an issue but out of all people I turned to heroin because of a motorcycle accident BUT that is not an excuse. I chose to stick a $2 bill in my nose and then a needle. I could, as I said use my mother’s death as an excuse or my accident but why? It does NOT take away the problems, it only suppress them for a SHORT, BRIEF, period. 

I have used excuses most of my life to justify my actions. But there are NO ustifications for anything.  I should have been a father to Mea instead of a scared little BOY, I should not have sold drugs, I should have not shot people, I should have NEVER stuck a needle in my arm. 

With all this, what I am writing is a story I share because I KNOW I can help another not go down that path of loneliness, emptiness, incarceration, and PURE stupidity. I WILL keep sharing my story though I hate my past self I AM a better person today then I ever was. My mental is right, my body is a temple and most importantly my SPIRIT is correct. 

If you struggle with anything, trust me it DOES get better. It just takes time. It took me TEN years to get over my mother’s death but today I am at peace it and myself. 

If no one told you today I will, I love you and you are just as important as ANYONE.